I don’t win

I feel like I’m in a clock that tics faster the closer it gets to twelve.  Each day is getting faster and everything that happens between now and January, the good and the bad, is felt so much more clearly than if it would have happened a year ago, and these events aren’t just limited to the material.  My thoughts, my feelings, my relationship: everything is on overdrive right now.

I don’t win this race.  When I take a step back and evaluate everything that’s happening it’s just so clear to me that life isn’t going to get easier the faster everything is moving.  More, much more, sooner than I’ll be ready for it and it’s going to hit me all at once.  Honestly, there are a couple of options I have to deal with this… I could harden myself so that it breaks on impact, I could try to solve these issues before they happen, or I can let it hit me and pick up the pieces.

I’m going with the last option and the reasons are a little emotionally complicated for me.  I deal with stress very well, I’ve had to for so long.  It’s absolutely helped develop me into an adult that I’m proud of being… but, just once, I want to be able to loosen my grip on my life and just experience things in a way that I haven’t prepared for.

Another step back.  Maybe, just maybe, this is the healthier option?

I could put in the work every day from now until January to be ready for all of this, but the cost is time.  I could take it a bit easier at work and focus on the extra, but the cost is well-being.  Or I could let it happen, I could lose the race, and just be inconvenienced.

That’s it.  All that’s going to happen to me is inconvenience.  I’ll do almost anything to be ready for nothing.  Seriously, the three paragraphs above are weeks of thought condensed and it didn’t occur to me that the healthiest option was to accept that I don’t have to be ready for everything until I fucking dreamed about it.  Yikes.

The truth is that I’m not prepared to leave my job yet.  I’m not prepared to be a student.  I’m not prepared to live differently.

I’m not prepared to move on from known comfort, stability, and order to chaos.

So I don’t win.  I use the opportunity I have now to learn what it’s like to pick up pieces safely, to practice failing before it can hurt me, and to prepare myself for when it can.  My life is going to become more enjoyable to live but harder to inhabit and this is my chance to see what it’s like when things do fail and learn how to handle that.

I don’t win now so I can be a better loser.


Busy & Boring

Busy & Boring sums up the last two months of my life pretty well.  I’ve harped on about being nearly done with this job for a while now on Twitter, but now that it’s actually starting to unwind it’s just all happening so damn fast.

I’m starting to turn over my work to someone new, and I’m doing what I can to improve the processes used by various divisions attached to my organization with how they turn in aircraft components.  This is an issue because, as you can imagine, when people are busy they tend to care more about the “work” than they do about the “accountability”, and telling Mx. Smith that they need to find the component that they misplaced or they’re liable for somewhere in the six figure range isn’t ideal or, really, a good way of doing business.

It’s boring work, but it’s already paid dividends here, and the cool thing about what I’m doing is that a lot of it allows me to find previously lost or still missing assets.  I’m all about this kind of thing.

There is just so much going on now though.  Work alone isn’t always busy, but the planning that I have to do for my personal life is threatening to suffocate me.  Planning for taking a class this next semester which will earn me an associate degree, planning for going back to school full-time in the Spring, dealing with immigration for a few different places of which the certainty for usefulness or timeliness doesn’t really exist in the first place, baby dog needing surgery on her jaw, and, like I mentioned, not being employed anymore.

That’s the hardest one really.  I am a good worker and a valuable employee.  I make good money, I have good health care attached to the job for me AND Dear Wife, but I want to do something else with my life and it’s terrifying to think that a future employer will see my sudden break in employment, even if it’s to go to school, and think “Why would I hire this monkey if I could just hire someone young who doesn’t expect as much?”

This says nothing about the more immediate fear that every dollar I’m spending now is a dollar out of my future.  I have the money saved up for school and I’m ready to go it almost debt free, but I am scared about not keeping the same quality of life for Dear Wife.

Ugh, I’m certainly not the first person to have these thoughts, I know that.  My life is always improving because I have the drive and determination to make it so, and this is no exception.  I’m glad that I have the sense to worry though, even when I know that things will be okay for everybody.